please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
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My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
#CoronaOutbreak
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything