My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
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“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in