I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
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Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Encore…
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
How software testing works
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither