[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
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Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Catercrombie & Fish
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I hate everything
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.