Thinking about Jeff
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Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
step 6: release the wall snake
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
knights of the ikea table
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Steam Forums
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”