“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
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Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Social Media and Real life
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Me, flirting😏
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah