When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
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We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”