I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
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All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
HERE’S MARKY
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?