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u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
That lamp looks PISSED.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Twitter fine art
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11