The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
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Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.