My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
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My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.