*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
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Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.