[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
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Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
You had me at “define legal”.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.