“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
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Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*