And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
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I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I just stopped by to water my horse.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day