I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
You Might Also Like
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.