Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
You Might Also Like
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.