He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing