*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
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You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay