If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
You Might Also Like
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
wait.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
My first son he is wonderful
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?