if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
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Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
doing some research
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.