My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
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As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I see your IQ test came back negative
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo