Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
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[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Okay me first
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you