Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
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I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
there’s probably a fee though
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day