Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
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I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.