If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
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I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…