“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
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I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
one of
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Meanwhile in Portland…