It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
You Might Also Like
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE