Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
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Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.