I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
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What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Forever 21… pounds overweight
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car