A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
You Might Also Like
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
😂😂
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”