“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
You Might Also Like
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
bears
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.