Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
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all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Autocorrect is my menesis
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Unexpected Judgment
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.