Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
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it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.