Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
You Might Also Like
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
You got this…
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Natural selection at its finest
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos