Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
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Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Isn’t
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
im all 3
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.