Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
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HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.