Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
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Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
*sewing*
A thread
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.