Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
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I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.