*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
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uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO