Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
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Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.