If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
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I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?