I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
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Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there