I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
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*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
choose your fighter
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it