Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
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[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
that lip filler tho
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.