Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
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The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.