So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
You Might Also Like
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.