Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
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If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
WWE is French for “yes”
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.