Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
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Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john