if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
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Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
🤣🤣💀
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING